Life's Short, Slice Fast
by Creature Of The Nite
Summary: Lorelei is abducted by Dexter...which leads to surprising results!
1. Chapter 1

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"Rory!"

"Kitchen!"

Lorelei walked into the kitchen, finding her daughter scribbling notes into a notebook.

"How was school?" Lorelei asked

"It was fine," Rory replied

"Fine as in no-one was murdered fine, or fine as in A-minus fine?"

"I would say the first one, but then there was that bloodstained knife they found in my locker…"

"Oh, another one? Rory, we've talked about this."

"Well it's your fault, I keep seeing your face everywhere."

"Ah, I knew that would come back to haunt me."

"Hey mom, do you mind if I go over to Lane's house for an hour? She's got this new CD she wants to show me."

"OK, but try not to stay too long," Lorelei warned, "While you're gone a strange man might sweep me off my feet and take me to some far off…"

"So I'll see you at eight?"

"You know it."

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Rory left; Lorelei resumed reading her newspaper. Then suddenly, she felt a cold metal needle sticking into her neck.

"You're mine now!" came a growl

Lorelei let out a little croak, then collapsed onto the table. Behind her, Dexter Morgan stood triumphantly.

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Lorelei woke up strapped to a table in a strange room, completely naked. There was tape and Saran Wrap over her chest, mid-section, forehead and ankles, and there was cotton wool stuffed in her mouth.

"You're awake…" a deep voice said, "Most people take longer to recover from a sedative. You must have a high caffeine intake…"

Lorelei turned her head, and saw the man. He was tall, with sandy-blonde hair and an expression that showed no emotion. He had on khaki trousers and a tight grey shirt, with leather gloves.

"See those people?" Dexter asked, turning Lorelei's head to three pictures, "You killed them. And for that, I'm going to kill you."

"Mmmmph!" Lorelei screamed through the cotton

Dexter pulled the wool out of her mouth. All part of the ritual, let the victim think they had a chance to bargain for their life.

"I…I've never killed anyone!" Lorelei gasped, "I don't even know these people!"

"Don't give me that, Loretta."

"Loretta?" Lorelei asked, "Who's Loretta? I'm Lorelei."

Dexter raised an eyebrow.

"Wait…you're not Loretta Gianni?" Dexter asked

"No…"

Dexter picked up a file from a table.

"But…" Dexter examined the file, "Hold on a sec."

Dexter took out his cell phone, and dialed a number.

"Masuka? Yeah, it's Dexter. Can you read me the serial number on the Gianni file? Oh. Thanks."

Dexter hung up.

"OK, turns out that your police file was mixed up with a similar-named husband killer in Hartford," Dexter said, "Wow. Good thing you spoke up."

He sliced the Saran wrap off of her using his kill-knife.

"I'm not looking," Dexter said, turning around

"It's cool, I'm not modest," Lorelei replied, getting up, "What were you going to do to me?"

"Stab you in the chest, cut you up, and dump you in the town river," Dexter shrugged

"Wow. So you're a serial killer?"

"Yeah, but I only kill other serial killers. What did you say your name was again?"

"Lorelei Gilmore."

"Huh."

"What?"

"Nothing. It's a pretty name."

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Later…

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"And you're going on a date with this guy?" Rory exclaimed

"Now Rory, I know you're still upset that it didn't work out with me and Max…"

"Max wasn't a serial killer!"

Lorelei sighed.

"I thought I told you not to judge people by what they do."

"This is different!"

"Tell you what, Rory, I'll get him to come in before our date tomorrow, and you can meet him. If you still don't like him, I won't go through with it."

"Fine…"

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The next day…

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Rory was waiting patiently on the couch. Lorelei was pacing around, in a stunning black dress.

"He'll be here any minute," Lorelei said, excited, "I can't wait! You're going to like him."

"Yeah, who doesn't like a killer?"

"_Serial_ Killer."

There was a knock at the door.

"That's him!" Lorelei squealed

She opened the door, revealing Dexter. He wasn't wearing his kill-shirt, he wore grey slacks and a dark-blue blazer.

"Hey," Lorelei smiled

"Hey," Dexter smiled back, "Can I come in?"

"Of course."

Dexter walked in, and from behind his back he produced a bouquet of lilies.

"For you," he said

"Oh, thank you!" Lorelei took the flowers, "Dexter, this is my daughter, Rory. Rory, this is Dexter."

"Hello," Dexter shook Rory's hand, "Rory, your mom told me you liked to read, so I got you…"

He handed her a book.

"This is a copy of Catch-22, signed by the author," Dexter said

"Wow! Where did you get it?" Rory asked, fascinated

"It was in the 'unclaimed' section of the evidence locker," Dexter replied, "You'd be surprised by how many criminals are well read. Or steal from people who are."

"This is…"

Rory then remembered that the man was a complete monster.

"So, what's it like being a serial killer?" Rory asked, bluntly

"Rory!" Lorelei scolded

"I'm not a killer tonight," Dexter announced, "Tonight, I'm just Dexter Morgan, blood spatter analyst."

Rory tried to continue hating Dexter, but just looking at him…she couldn't help but smile.

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Another chapter to come.


	2. Chapter 2

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The next morning…

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Lorelei came downstairs for breakfast. Rory was already at the table.

"You look like you had fun last night," she observed

"I did," Lorelei slid down onto a chair

"What did you do?"

"Dexter took me to this really nice restaurant. He was a perfect gentlemen."

"So the serial killer thing wasn't a bother?"

"No, he's pretty normal. We actually went to his place afterward, he showed me his trophies from his kills."

"Ew!"

"Oh, relax. They're just blood slides."

"Blood slides?"

"Yeah. Every time he kills someone he makes an incision on their face and takes a sample of blood. He only lets himself keep those."

"Huh. Did he do that to you?"

"He said he was fine with quartering me, but he didn't want to ruin my pretty face."

"He did not say that!"

"No," Lorelei grinned, "Just making sure you're listening."

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The following weekend…

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The two Gilmore girls were up early; Dexter was coming round for the day.

"So, what are your plans?" Lorelei asked

"Jess and I are going to the bookstore," Rory said

"Huh…" Lorelei muttered

"What?" Rory groaned

"Well…you know how I feel about Jess."

"Mom!"

"I just don't like you going out with a guy who's a bad influence!"

Rory gave Lorelei a withering look.

"This is completely different!" Lorelei protested

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There was a knock at the door. Lorelei opened it; Dexter was there, wearing a Hawaiian shirt and jeans. He held a white box.

"Hi Dexter," Lorelei smiled

"I've got donuts," he announced

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They sat down at the breakfast table.

"Hi Dexter," Rory smiled

"Hey, Rory," Dexter replied, "Donut?"

Rory took the glazed one.

**_Donuts. Why is it that everyone goes for these? It's just another human desire I don't understand._ _But then again_...**

"Dexter!" Lorelei called

"What? Oh, sorry," Dexter shook his head, "My Dark Passenger was talking. What were you saying?"

"I was saying, are you up for today?"

"Oh yeah" Dexter nodded, "Looking forward to the town tour."

"Great," Lorelei took the bear claw, "We can see Al's Pancake World, the town square…"

"There's that rag with what-might-be George Washington's cousin's blood in the town museum," Rory added

"Sounds good."

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The town tour started with Luke's diner.

"Coffee coffee coffee!" Lorelei called

"In a minute," Luke replied

"Ah, Lorelei," Taylor said, walking in, "Good to see you."

"Hi Taylor," Lorelei said, "Dexter, this is Taylor, our town selectman."

"Nice to meet you," Dexter said

"Is this Dexter, the serial killer?" Taylor asked, "Because I wanted to talk to you about something."

He held out an envelope.

"I don't kill on command," Dexter sighed, "I only kill really bad people."

"Well this guy is sort of one," Taylor said, "He doesn't participate in any town events, he doesn't…"

"Taylor!" Lorelei gasped, realizing who he meant

She grabbed the envelope, and opened it. There was a picture of Luke inside, with a lot of cash.

"You were going to hire Dexter to kill Luke?" Lorelei exclaimed

"What?" Luke dropped the plates he was carrying

"It wouldn't kill you to spruce this place up a bit!" Taylor protested, leaving quickly

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Everyone settled down; Luke brought Dexter and Lorelei breakfast.

"Lorelei, you had the chocolate chip pancakes with extra syrup and chocolate…" Luke put the plate down, "And…Dexter, you had the pork sandwich with the side of pork?"

"Correct. Thank you."

Luke slid the plate to Dexter. He started to walk away, but then came back.

"Listen…Dexter," he began, "I know you said you didn't kill per request, but Taylor's really starting to…"

"I'll think about it," Dexter interrupted

"Awesome, thanks!" Luke said, leaping behind the counter

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End file.
